Earlier in the month, I’d figured out that I connect how much I earn to how much I feel I’m worth, and I’d begun trying to separate the two by planning activities that focus on non-monetary achievement. Unfortunately, looking at my family’s budget last night made me feel guilty for signing up for those courses and like I had to rescue us all over again. I started looking for work in an attempt to be pro-active but that only made myself feel more anxious and depressed; parenting and disability have kept me out of the workaday world so long that I’m qualified for very little without going back to school, and even then I’m not sure what I can do besides what I’m already doing. I ended up going to bed in a very, very blue mood indeed.

Luckily, a video posted by Andrieh Vitimus made me realized I’d let my Warrior practice slide for several days now. My mood has obviously tanked because of it. At least I was easily able resume where I left off. I ran the syllables through twenty-one times as soon as my errands were over for the day. I ended with the same number of run-throughs of Crocell’s enn.

Afterward, I sat and thought about how I’m been intoning the Warrior Syllables. Although the mantras I learned at the workshop had melodies, we typically chanted the same note with the Five Warrior Syllables over and over. At home, I’ve instinctively fallen into using a descending series of notes. Plunking around on an online piano today helped me discover the tune: F, D, B, G, and E.

Though it may seem heretical to some people, I’ve even strayed from the original practice more than that. I’ve experimented with vibrating the names for the elements as per the daemonic enns instead of using the Five Warrior Syllables proper. While the Tibetan elements do not correspond exactly to those in Daemonolatry, seeking balance is central to both faiths, and I find that more important. This experiment has gone very well so far, leaving me calm and centered. Each element has two syllables in “daemonic,” making for a rhythmic chant. Moreover, the Tibetan chakra system with its five energy center goes ideally with an elemental balancing like this, which uses the five elements. For example:

Crown – SATAN (All)

Throat – RENICH (Air)

Heart – GANIC (Fire)

Solar Plexus – JEDAN (Water)

Groin – LIRACH (Earth)

Of course, this has been my personal experience. Your mileage may vary.

To try and break my funk, I read the Tarot differently today. I pulled three for the situation and one for what crossed it. The first three cards were the Sun, the Ten of Cups, and the Four of Cups—all reversed. The last card I drew was the Eight of Cups, upright. I interpreted this to mean that I’m afraid to shine and to prosper, and that I’m concentrating on the bad in my life instead of the good. I feel that all effort I’m putting forward maintain a precarious balance, but fighting for success could risk everything.

Damn! The cards have my number today! Part of it feels like nothing I can do will be enough to help my family’s finances. The other part of it hinges on my fear of rejection. I can’t do a lot about the one today—and I may have to soon admit that I’m able to be the hero in the financial situation this time around—but the other I can take some steps on.

I’ve grown closer to a couple of people who somehow haven’t figured out I’m a Daemonolater yet, and it’s making me feel… icky. We’ve taken spiritual classes together, and I hate holding that kind of stuff back. I don’t think I can handle that aspect of my life in that fashion like this much longer. Watching people disappear from my Facebook page each time I mention the world daemon helps me keep my feet planted in the real world, so I know I could lose friends. I could lose them by being an evasive jerk every time they ask me about my religion too. That kind of stuff tends to come up when you’re all sitting in a circle, chanting OM.

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