DOMAGICK CHALLENGE DAY EIGHT
Week One of the March Domagick Challenge is now complete, and I’m not sure how I feel about my progress so far. I wanted to lessen my anxiety with a good dose of self-love, so I’ve tried embracing disowned parts of me through shadow-work and shamanic journeys. I’ve used these techniques before to great effect, but this time around it feels like busy work compared to other things I’m trying.
When I chant or practice breath-work, my mood changes considerably, thus the entire reason why I thought incorporating sound into my work this month would be a great idea. The effect is even more profound when I deal with color in any way. It doesn’t matter if I am taking photographs with my phone, drawing, or playing with a web layout. As soon as I am focused in that way, my mind clears and my mood lifts.
This is so different from when I am trying to write that I feel an overwhelming, crushing sadness when I compare the two. I have tried entering this post by hand instead of dictating it, and it has taken an hour because of the circles and loops my mind makes when I type. Of all the symptoms I suffer due to my chronic conditions, brain fog is the one that makes me feel the most impaired—the most handicapped—on a daily basis. I’ve even gone so far as to come off my most effective pain medication in the hopes of getting back my brain’s edge, but after two months off I remain as dull as a butter knife.
I know the lion’s share of my anxiety comes from it truly sinking in that I may have to finally let the writer part of myself go, and that I am fighting it ever step of the way. I am grieving. All I wanted to be for most of my life was a writer. Parenthood and marriage seemed to come as a surprise, one I welcomed but could scarcely understand being deserving of, and so writing remained and the core of my identity. It was all I knew I did well, without any doubt. I may still do it well enough, but I cannot do it with any ease. Dictation alone is a bear. Dragon advises speaking in full thoughts. Easy enough—when I can think them.
In the meantime, I keep putting off writing that I need to do. I keep putting it off to take pictures and to set up and altar and… bah. It feels like busy work. I have sound healing class tonight. I know that will be good for me, as will the workshop I am attending this weekend, but at the moment I feel like I’m not doing some of the main work I should be doing. Grief work is something I’ve always avoided, and I don’t even know where to begin.
Today I am supposed to start work with the daemon Ose, for understanding. I am going to continue on with Salleos as well, because I don’t think I have that self-love thing down pat quite yet.
The card I pulled today was that of the daemon Orobas. In the Fallen Angel Oracle, this card is labeled HONESTY. Orobas indicated serenity and balance. It can indicate a time of rest after a struggle, and that all is coming to be as it should. It can indicate spiritual harmony. Ugh, I hope so.